5 Qualities of a Good Friend

5 Qualities of a Good Friend.

I am going to take a break from talking about romantic relationships, to talk about friendship today. Even within a romantic relationship, friendship is one of the most important and meaningful things that a person can experience. Friendship is a connection that you choose to have with another individual that is based on trust, fun and support of one another.

Again, Friendship is a CHOSEN connection with another person. You choose your friends based on mutual interests, personality qualities that you share and qualities that you admire and wish to learn from; and also a natural connection that just 'clicks', similar to the chemistry in a romantic relationship. Learning to be a good friend is one of the most vital lessons that you will learn in your entire lifetime. Life is meaningful because of the love and connections that we share with others. Learn to be a good friend, not only to the people that you choose to be friends with, but to your lovers, family, co-workers, and even to strangers in passing- and I guarantee that you will lead a much happier and content life just because of the true friendship that you extend.

So lets discuss the 5 qualities of a good friend:

1) Trust and trustworthiness. Trust is a two way street; generally, we trust those that trust us. Hopefully I don't have to tell you how to be a trustworthy person, but just as a refresher, lets name off two big things that trustworthy people don't do.

-They don't gossip about their friends. Not only do they not gossip about their friends (no matter how much truth the gossip holds), they stand up for their comrades. You don't have to preach to others or flip out and cause a scene to stand up for your pal. You can make a joke about the whole situation and subtly make their complaints seem petty. You can tactfully add in some complimentary statements about your friend while steering the subject in another direction. The point is, no one is going to gossip to someone that refuses to join. And assuming that they are a decently intelligent and perceptive individual, they will quickly get the point that you refuse to bash someone behind their back and they will feel guilty for even bringing the subject up.

-They don't go around airing dirty laundry. I don't care just how awesome and juicy a secret is, anything that is told to you in confidence- stays in confidence. When someone tells you a "secret", that does not somehow make that secret yours as well. Be thankful that your friend trusts you enough to vent to you and keep your darn mouth shut- seriously, I know it's hard.. but spilling the beans to even one person can sometimes snowball. You don't want that, obvs.

Also, to gain trust- you have to be able give your trust. No one trusts a closed book or someone that is obviously very secretive. If you are that way because you have been hurt in the past, please understand that so have EVERYONE else, but keeping your walls up in order to protect yourself is really no way to live. I'm not telling you to blab your business to anyone within earshot- but a little blabbing is healthy.

2) Friends do not speak out of jealousy. Jealousy is easily the ugliest emotion. It's also very easy to be jealous of your friends- you chose them as your friends because of all the things you liked about them, didn't you? Learn to admire those qualities, without becoming jealous. You grow so much more from admiration and imitation, than you do from jealousy.

Girls, that means that you will not tell your friends that an unflattering outfit looks good on your them, in an attempt to look better yourself. You will not sabotage their appearance or relationships in ANY way whatsoever. EVER. No diabolically undermining their romantic relationships out of jealousy. No ruining separate friendships out of jealousy.

If you feel jealous of a friend, sit down and pinpoint what exactly it is about them that you envy. And then figure out a way that you can emulate that specific quality in yourself. Even if that quality is someone as petty as their hairstyle.

No frenemy behavior. This is not Mean Girls.

3) Good friends are understanding. Understanding means that you look at someones behavior and try to see why they are acting that way. If your friend is being an uber-bitch- is she stressed about money? Did she get a speeding ticket that day? Is she having family problems?

Do any of these things justify bitchy behavior? Why yes, yes they do. It's really freaking hard not to take things out on the people closest to you. And your duty as a friend is to see that behavior for what it is- acting out- and understand that no one is perfect and to extend your kindness and understanding to a friend in need. This means that you have to allow yourself to be a punching bag sometimes. That is not "weak" behavior, that is strong, accepting and wise behavior. No one forgets the people that were there for them through hard times. It isn't always easy to be there for your friends- but fair weather friendship is fleeting as the human condition is flawed.

So the next time your friend is a bitch, don't automatically get mad and expect an apology. Understand their behavior and realize that it most likely had nothing to do with you- so drop it. Let others feel and act their emotions without always having to apologize for them. It just isn't healthy to have to sit on and deny feelings all of the time- so don't contribute to such an up-tight world.

4) Friends do not judge each other. I don't really care how outrageous, or slutty, or stupid someones behavior is- I can almost always find humor in it. Even if one of my friends had sex with a dude in a bathroom, ran around a bar topless, and then passed out outside on a bench like a bum- I would laugh. Actually I would tell them that they were ridiculous and then I would laugh.

Okay, if someone really has a problem- that obviously isn't funny and then you need to suggest (or force) help. But if someone does or tells you that they did something really stupid- they are looking for support. They already know that their behavior was unacceptable and they feel bad about it and are looking for you to make them feel better.

I'm not sure what people think they gain from judging others? Mostly, I just think judgmental people suck. You have absolutely no right to look down or pass judgment on any other person. If you are perfect, which you aren't, being judgmental would kick you right off your perfect pedestal. Judging someone is not helping them, it is just condescending, worthless behavior.

Instead of judging a friend, why don't you look at their behavior- look at the feelings behind that behavior and then lend your support and trust. Lend a laugh. Lend whatever the hell your friend needs, because they is what friendship is all about.

5) Be fair about your friend's romantic relationships. Honestly, the basis of most female friendships is about fun, companionship, and talking about guys. Romantic relationships are so important to girls- they are important to you- and they are important to your female friends... even if you sometimes don't want them to be.

So why is it the the second a friend finds themselves in a new relationship, the claws come out?

Girls, you are not going to lose your friend to a guy. If you do for a period of time (which is going to happen from time to time)- then don't fret, because they will be back. Please, please be understanding and mature about your girlfriends and romances.

I know that it is hard when a close friend gets a new boyfriend. You get to see her less, her priorities shift, you notice some changes in her. Naturally, you do not want this to happen. But that is selfish. Friendship is not selfish.

Unfortunately, almost everyones best friend is going to meet a guy, get married, have babies, and grow into the same- but different person. This is life. Most of us do not grow up and live with our girlfriends for the rest of our lives (which would be fun- but just usually doesn't happen).

Allow your friends to grow. Allow them to change. Understand and appreciate that this is just how life works.

So no matter how much you want to hate your friends boyfriends, or talk bad about them, or dwell on every little negative thing about them- don't. Instead, maybe try to get to know him? He probably is not the evil do-er that you have him out to be in your mind. And be kind about the amount of time that he is taking in her life- I hate to break this to you- but when you find yourself in a new relationship, you are going to be doing all the same things (no matter how much you say that you won't).

Remember the no-judgment thing? Implement that in this situation as well.

So those are my super, duper important 5 qualities of a good friend.




"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."
- C. S. Lewis