5 Qualities of a Good Friend

5 Qualities of a Good Friend.

I am going to take a break from talking about romantic relationships, to talk about friendship today. Even within a romantic relationship, friendship is one of the most important and meaningful things that a person can experience. Friendship is a connection that you choose to have with another individual that is based on trust, fun and support of one another.

Again, Friendship is a CHOSEN connection with another person. You choose your friends based on mutual interests, personality qualities that you share and qualities that you admire and wish to learn from; and also a natural connection that just 'clicks', similar to the chemistry in a romantic relationship. Learning to be a good friend is one of the most vital lessons that you will learn in your entire lifetime. Life is meaningful because of the love and connections that we share with others. Learn to be a good friend, not only to the people that you choose to be friends with, but to your lovers, family, co-workers, and even to strangers in passing- and I guarantee that you will lead a much happier and content life just because of the true friendship that you extend.

So lets discuss the 5 qualities of a good friend:

1) Trust and trustworthiness. Trust is a two way street; generally, we trust those that trust us. Hopefully I don't have to tell you how to be a trustworthy person, but just as a refresher, lets name off two big things that trustworthy people don't do.

-They don't gossip about their friends. Not only do they not gossip about their friends (no matter how much truth the gossip holds), they stand up for their comrades. You don't have to preach to others or flip out and cause a scene to stand up for your pal. You can make a joke about the whole situation and subtly make their complaints seem petty. You can tactfully add in some complimentary statements about your friend while steering the subject in another direction. The point is, no one is going to gossip to someone that refuses to join. And assuming that they are a decently intelligent and perceptive individual, they will quickly get the point that you refuse to bash someone behind their back and they will feel guilty for even bringing the subject up.

-They don't go around airing dirty laundry. I don't care just how awesome and juicy a secret is, anything that is told to you in confidence- stays in confidence. When someone tells you a "secret", that does not somehow make that secret yours as well. Be thankful that your friend trusts you enough to vent to you and keep your darn mouth shut- seriously, I know it's hard.. but spilling the beans to even one person can sometimes snowball. You don't want that, obvs.

Also, to gain trust- you have to be able give your trust. No one trusts a closed book or someone that is obviously very secretive. If you are that way because you have been hurt in the past, please understand that so have EVERYONE else, but keeping your walls up in order to protect yourself is really no way to live. I'm not telling you to blab your business to anyone within earshot- but a little blabbing is healthy.

2) Friends do not speak out of jealousy. Jealousy is easily the ugliest emotion. It's also very easy to be jealous of your friends- you chose them as your friends because of all the things you liked about them, didn't you? Learn to admire those qualities, without becoming jealous. You grow so much more from admiration and imitation, than you do from jealousy.

Girls, that means that you will not tell your friends that an unflattering outfit looks good on your them, in an attempt to look better yourself. You will not sabotage their appearance or relationships in ANY way whatsoever. EVER. No diabolically undermining their romantic relationships out of jealousy. No ruining separate friendships out of jealousy.

If you feel jealous of a friend, sit down and pinpoint what exactly it is about them that you envy. And then figure out a way that you can emulate that specific quality in yourself. Even if that quality is someone as petty as their hairstyle.

No frenemy behavior. This is not Mean Girls.

3) Good friends are understanding. Understanding means that you look at someones behavior and try to see why they are acting that way. If your friend is being an uber-bitch- is she stressed about money? Did she get a speeding ticket that day? Is she having family problems?

Do any of these things justify bitchy behavior? Why yes, yes they do. It's really freaking hard not to take things out on the people closest to you. And your duty as a friend is to see that behavior for what it is- acting out- and understand that no one is perfect and to extend your kindness and understanding to a friend in need. This means that you have to allow yourself to be a punching bag sometimes. That is not "weak" behavior, that is strong, accepting and wise behavior. No one forgets the people that were there for them through hard times. It isn't always easy to be there for your friends- but fair weather friendship is fleeting as the human condition is flawed.

So the next time your friend is a bitch, don't automatically get mad and expect an apology. Understand their behavior and realize that it most likely had nothing to do with you- so drop it. Let others feel and act their emotions without always having to apologize for them. It just isn't healthy to have to sit on and deny feelings all of the time- so don't contribute to such an up-tight world.

4) Friends do not judge each other. I don't really care how outrageous, or slutty, or stupid someones behavior is- I can almost always find humor in it. Even if one of my friends had sex with a dude in a bathroom, ran around a bar topless, and then passed out outside on a bench like a bum- I would laugh. Actually I would tell them that they were ridiculous and then I would laugh.

Okay, if someone really has a problem- that obviously isn't funny and then you need to suggest (or force) help. But if someone does or tells you that they did something really stupid- they are looking for support. They already know that their behavior was unacceptable and they feel bad about it and are looking for you to make them feel better.

I'm not sure what people think they gain from judging others? Mostly, I just think judgmental people suck. You have absolutely no right to look down or pass judgment on any other person. If you are perfect, which you aren't, being judgmental would kick you right off your perfect pedestal. Judging someone is not helping them, it is just condescending, worthless behavior.

Instead of judging a friend, why don't you look at their behavior- look at the feelings behind that behavior and then lend your support and trust. Lend a laugh. Lend whatever the hell your friend needs, because they is what friendship is all about.

5) Be fair about your friend's romantic relationships. Honestly, the basis of most female friendships is about fun, companionship, and talking about guys. Romantic relationships are so important to girls- they are important to you- and they are important to your female friends... even if you sometimes don't want them to be.

So why is it the the second a friend finds themselves in a new relationship, the claws come out?

Girls, you are not going to lose your friend to a guy. If you do for a period of time (which is going to happen from time to time)- then don't fret, because they will be back. Please, please be understanding and mature about your girlfriends and romances.

I know that it is hard when a close friend gets a new boyfriend. You get to see her less, her priorities shift, you notice some changes in her. Naturally, you do not want this to happen. But that is selfish. Friendship is not selfish.

Unfortunately, almost everyones best friend is going to meet a guy, get married, have babies, and grow into the same- but different person. This is life. Most of us do not grow up and live with our girlfriends for the rest of our lives (which would be fun- but just usually doesn't happen).

Allow your friends to grow. Allow them to change. Understand and appreciate that this is just how life works.

So no matter how much you want to hate your friends boyfriends, or talk bad about them, or dwell on every little negative thing about them- don't. Instead, maybe try to get to know him? He probably is not the evil do-er that you have him out to be in your mind. And be kind about the amount of time that he is taking in her life- I hate to break this to you- but when you find yourself in a new relationship, you are going to be doing all the same things (no matter how much you say that you won't).

Remember the no-judgment thing? Implement that in this situation as well.

So those are my super, duper important 5 qualities of a good friend.




"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."
- C. S. Lewis

Are you Expecting a Lonely Valentines Day? 4 Reasons Why You Should Consider Yourself Lucky

Are you expecting a lonely Valentines Day? I'm going to give you 4 reasons why you should actually thank your lucky stars that you do not have to submit yourself to the pink-and-red-someone-please-gag-me mumbo jumbo that is unfortunately going on around us.

1) Valentines day is the absolutely most ridiculous Hallmark holiday of the year. People, wake up! Valentines day is a marketers dream! The whole holiday was conceived solely to take money right out of consumer's pockets, while the Big Wigs laugh all the way to the bank. Did you know that around 188 million Valentines Day greeting cards are sold every year? Dear God, think about how much money that is in cards alone. I'm not even going to start on why greeting cards are the most pointless, stupid gifts ever (unless they are filled with money, of course).

But seriously, please do not buy into this holiday. If you are worried about looking like an asshole for refusing the partake in the madness, try to somehow coordinate an anniversary or something with the holiday. Knock out two birds with one stone.

2) Valentines day is nothing but stress. Say you just started dating someone.. are you supposed to get them a gift? What kind of gift says 'I care', but doesn't say 'I already take this relationship too seriously' or 'I like you way more than you like me'. I mean, you don't want to scare anyone off- but you don't want them to think that you don't like them either. S-T-R-E-S-S-F-U-L.

Even if you are in a long term relationship, you aren't immune to the stress. If you are a guy, you are probably wondering what the hell to get your lady. You probably know she is hoping for jewelry or something equally expensive, so I bet you are trying to think of ways to save your Piggy Bank, without landing in the dog house. And if you are a woman- its even worse... Seriously, are you even supposed to get your guy anything for Valentines day? What would even be appropriate, he surely doesn't want flowers or any of the pink and red paraphernalia that all the stores are hawking. Completely unnecessary stress brought on by the devil in a cupid costume.

3) Valentines day is one of the best days to head to the bar and get shitty. Are you going to be able to get sloshed and hook up with a rando if you have to attend some romantic dinner with a dude that is basically being forced to acknowledge this holiday? No, and that is just sad.

I think it's a good night to go out and I'm a chick. For guys- you are basically guaranteed your choice of lady. If she is out at the bar with her girlfriends on Valentines Day- then game on, brother. It's like picking up girls at weddings, but easier.

4)No one is happy on Valentines Day. Seriously, very few people walk away from this "holiday" unscathed. The single people are all checking themselves into therapy for plummeting self-esteem issues. And all of the twosomes are simultaneously failing to meet one another's expectations. If you got her flowers, she was probably hoping for a dinner out. No one is saying the 'right' things. Balls are being dropped. Chaos ensues.

Pass.

So if you choose to declare yourself above this cheesy Hallmark holiday, you can smoothly avoid all of the above issues. Thank God. Or you can be like me and see Valentines Day as the perfect excuse to party. As if I needed another excuse.


So pat yourself on the back and welcome a lonely Valentines Day. Hang out with your pals, maybe pop some bottles, and I promise it really won't be so lonely after all.

Tips Attracting Women: Please leave your evil twin Creepy McCreeperson, at home.

Even if you don't need tips attracting women, you should read this just in case this applies to you, even slightly.

First of all, why are some men so annoying? I realize that is a little on the mean side, but I can only take so much complete oblivious-ness before I can't take no more.

Newsflash: If you are not getting a positive response, or worse, a homicidal vibe from a chick- please leave her alone. Stop "hollering" and go run your game on the next piece that walks by. I just do not understand why some dudes, even when they are clearly getting politely dismissed- choose to keep pursuing a woman.

Guys, if you buy a woman a few drinks, and she seems to be looking around a bit- perhaps scanning the room for an escape route- then smoothly excuse yourself. If she likes you- then she will find you again. Do not continue to try to buy her drinks, or follow her around continuously trying to chat her up. This is weird and borderline sociopath behavior. And you surely should not text her 16 times the next day... between the 4 phone calls you placed.

If a woman does not respond to 2 text messages in a row, then she is not interested. Same goes for un-returned calls and invitations to hang out. Once you cross that two-text blow-off line, and continue to try to get her attention... Congratulations, you have just achieved creeper status. We women, yeah... we don't like our men creepy. And clearly, we don't like them desperate.

So please, we know that you think you are hot and that no girl wouldn't want you- but learn to take a hint. Most women are not going to be rude to you if they are not interested in you. They will probably not be rude to you even if they are not interested and you are shamelessly pursuing them to the point of annoyance. But behind your back, you can be sure they are telling their girlfriends about the weird guy they met Friday night- that seemed normal at first.. until he wouldn't leave her alone and has texted her 7 times since. Yes, that's catty- be we are women and we are generally passive aggressive.

So rule of thumb: if you text/call a chick twice and she does not answer or call you back- then deleter her number. She ain't interested. The more times you call that she doesn't answer, she will be even less interested. And creeped out a little. You don't want to be the creepy guy. It's even worse that the smelly guy- and WAY worse than the nice guy.

So that is my tip for attracting women (or at least not turning them off to the point where they are fantasizing about you getting run over by an 18-wheeler). Please take it to heart and contribute to a less creepy society. Thanks

Functional Relationships: Cheating

Cheating. A very obvious sign of a dysfunctional relationship. There are two kinds of cheating: Physical cheating and emotional cheating. For clarification purposes, I will give some examples.

Physical cheating- making embarrassingly bad choices while under the influence of two-inch thick beer goggles and "accidentally" ending up with your penis in a foreign vagina.

Emotional cheating- having a special 'friend' that you are emotionally involved with even if no physical barriers have been broken, this includes, but is not limited to, attractive work spouses, the chick you text more than your girlfriend, or any person that you pursue in a dating- yet non-booty call sort of manner, who conveniently knows nothing of your significant other.

I do not approve of cheating. I don't even approve of cheating if your partner is a a frigid bitch. You picked her- therefore you consciously took partial responsibility of her emotional well-being... which makes her- your problem. When you have a problem an effective solution is not to brush it under the rug and go chasing some hotter tail. That generally will only lead to your 'problem' getting very angry and turning into a tire slashing/clothes burning/reputation-ruining monster.

That being said, I understand cheating. I especially understand physical cheating. You know, there are a lot of fish in the sea. And a lot of those fish seem to be pretty appealing after a couple of drinks, so I understand where lines get blurry and things just 'happen'. This kind of mindless cheating- the kind that honestly means nothing... well, I think it sucks a whole lot less that getting cheated on emotionally.

Which is funny, because most people think just the opposite. But I would absolutely rather find out that my boyfriend cheated on me when he was blacked one night, than find out that he actually has feelings for another girl. I can always Facebook the slut and make fun of her with my friends when I feel sad. But what exactly are you supposed to do when your boyfriend actually has feelings for another chick? She hasn't really done anything wrong- these things unfortunately just happen. And its not really clear whether he has actually done anything 'wrong', so to speak.

Relationships are tough. They are usually entirely more complicated than what we are comfortable dealing with. But being on the receiving end of cheating has to be one of the most devastating situations one could find themselves in. Your trust is broken, your self-esteem is left suffering and it can make the most confident of us feel very desperate.

There is no 'One size fits all' answer for what you should do after you have been cheated on. And honestly, I think if you find yourself in this situation- the only action you should take.. is no action at all. Don't try to repair your relationship, don't try to reel your partner back in- just take a step back and don't react. (Or go crying to your girlfriends/ mother/ and anyone else unlucky enough to be in renting range). But if your partner comes to YOU and wants to work to repair the relationship or "make things up to you"- then if that's what you want, let them put in the work.

Everyone should be given a chance to fix their mistakes. But in a lot of cases, if someone cheats on you, especially emotionally- they will not care enough about you to actually put in the work to mend the relationship. So if your significant other comes to you with a sincere apology and a willingness to earn back your trust- that says a lot.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

Some smart guy said that.

Gandhi.. or something like that.

:)



Anyway, thanks for reading about cheating and how it all plays into functional relationships and attraction and all of that fun stuff.

Is he attracted to me?

If you've ever thought to yourself, 'Is he attracted to me?' Then listen up- I am going to be frank with you.

If you are wondering whether a guy 'likes' you or what you can do to make him 'like' you more. Well, the answers are no and nothing. Actually, the answers could be sort of and do his laundry/cooking/homework/pay his bills/and be the easiest booty call in his phone book. But 'sort of' is not good enough and that is what mothers and hookers are for.

Let me explain myself- if you are wondering whether a guy is romantically interested in you, you probably already instinctively know the answer- no. You just KNOW when someone is really attracted to you.. there is no question. You can just fell it- they reciprocate your giggly, giddy feeling and they make extra efforts to see and talk to you. If a man is really attracted to a woman, then he pursues her. If he is not actively pursuing you, then you probably already feel it in your gut that he is just not that into you and you are just looking for someone to give ya a little hope.

Which I won't.

Because it is just plain silly to pine away for a man- not matter how cute he is- that is not crazy about you. I mean really, do you want to look back when you are old and grey and tell your kids how hard you had to work to get daddy to like you? Or do you want to tell them about how cute he was falling all over himself trying to get to you? There is a man out there that will like you enough to act like that. And you ain't gonna find him waiting around for Bozo the undecided.

Now, for those of you trying to figure out how to get your man to like you more, I'll give you a few tips. Well, men love ultra feminine women- so be the prettiest version of yourself possible, act super cheerful, and giggle uncontrollably. Okay, maybe not uncontrollably- but enough to be cutesy. Or you can say fuck it- and not tolerate men that do not very obviously appreciate how wonderful you are. BECAUSE if he is not making you feel happy, loved, and attractive- then he is just plain wrong for you. A functional relationship is not one where you constantly try to prove your attractiveness to the other. That is a very sick relationship, and sick relationships tend to trickle their sickness into other aspects of your life.. Until you feel just- sick.

So stop questioning what he is thinking and what YOU can do to better yourself in his eyes- and start looking for what is right for you. And please never ask, 'Is he attracted to me".. ever, ever again.

Functional Relationships

Functional relationships... what every gal wants and too many find frustratingly impossible to achieve. Why is dating so complicated? So lets talk about what you need to have and avoid to maintain a functional relationship.

First off, you actually need to be attracted to your significant other. You may be thinking- Duh, thats obvious. But what about all of the Debbie desperates out there trying to convince themselves that their zero is a hero. In other news- I'm quitting blogging to become a poet.

Seriously though, its okay to let Debbie slip out every once in awhile- but don't let her run rampant. What I mean is, don't jump into a relationship with just any old Joe that comes along, even if you are not all that attracted to him. 'Giving it time' to let the attraction build is just another way for saying that you have to talk yourself into being attracted to your man just because you are afraid nothing else will come along for awhile. Not cool, Missy.

Second, you are going to need to learn how to trust. If you trust someone you will not act like a crazy bia. You will not hack into his facebook- no matter how tempting it may be. And you surely are not scrolling through his texts as soon as he jumps in the shower. Because.. do you know what you will find in there? Nothing good. Nada.

If he has no messages from the opposite sex you are going to be disappointed that your man isn't Mr. Mysterious and desired by ladies everywhere. And if there are texts from females- even if they are totally innocent like, "hey jackass let me borrow your homework" or "thanks for stealing my lunch out of the fridge in the break room, asshole"- you are going to freak. You are. Because the written word can pretty much be interpreted in any way that your crazy little brain wants to see it. And you are going to assume that by 'asshole'- the stupid bimbo he works with meant 'guy that looks really sexy fumbling with the fax machine'. And hey, it's not your fault.. all of us women are a little nuts. We are entitled to be, seeing as how we have to bleed from our loins and push hysterical little people out of our happy places.

The next unattractive behavior you are going to avoid to maintain a functional and healthy relationship is- you are not going to try to control your significant other. We only try to control others when we are over compensating for feeling very out of control ourselves. Trying to control a man only pushes him to do the exact opposite of what you are forcing upon him- therefore furthering the problem.

For example, if your boyfriend is talking to his ex- tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and upset, and that you would really prefer, for your sanity, that he discontinue this behavior. Do not flip out and immediately start screaming that he is never to speak to her again or that he must choose either you or her. And certainly do not initiate this little disagreement at two in the morning, armed with a little liquid courage. Try to be as reasonable as possible- even though at times, this requires almost super-human amounts of self control.

If you behave like the controlling ball and chain, I guarantee the second you are out of earshot, your boy is calling the female-in-question up to complain about what an unreasonable psychopath his girlfriend is. Is that 'right' or nice or fair? No sirree. But by behaving in that manner you just made her seem like the "cool", level-headed girl... and you just went down a few attraction points in his eyes. No one wants to be pushed around- especially not men. They are hard-wired to be the alpha and to be 'manly'.. so he doesn't want his lady friend to strip him of his manhood.

OK so lets review- no controlling or untrusting behaviors. And convincing yourself to feel that 'loving feeling' for a man is not a healthy behavior on the road to building a functional relationship. Keep these things in mind to get a little less crazy and a little more healthy from your relationships.