5 Qualities of a Good Friend

5 Qualities of a Good Friend.

I am going to take a break from talking about romantic relationships, to talk about friendship today. Even within a romantic relationship, friendship is one of the most important and meaningful things that a person can experience. Friendship is a connection that you choose to have with another individual that is based on trust, fun and support of one another.

Again, Friendship is a CHOSEN connection with another person. You choose your friends based on mutual interests, personality qualities that you share and qualities that you admire and wish to learn from; and also a natural connection that just 'clicks', similar to the chemistry in a romantic relationship. Learning to be a good friend is one of the most vital lessons that you will learn in your entire lifetime. Life is meaningful because of the love and connections that we share with others. Learn to be a good friend, not only to the people that you choose to be friends with, but to your lovers, family, co-workers, and even to strangers in passing- and I guarantee that you will lead a much happier and content life just because of the true friendship that you extend.

So lets discuss the 5 qualities of a good friend:

1) Trust and trustworthiness. Trust is a two way street; generally, we trust those that trust us. Hopefully I don't have to tell you how to be a trustworthy person, but just as a refresher, lets name off two big things that trustworthy people don't do.

-They don't gossip about their friends. Not only do they not gossip about their friends (no matter how much truth the gossip holds), they stand up for their comrades. You don't have to preach to others or flip out and cause a scene to stand up for your pal. You can make a joke about the whole situation and subtly make their complaints seem petty. You can tactfully add in some complimentary statements about your friend while steering the subject in another direction. The point is, no one is going to gossip to someone that refuses to join. And assuming that they are a decently intelligent and perceptive individual, they will quickly get the point that you refuse to bash someone behind their back and they will feel guilty for even bringing the subject up.

-They don't go around airing dirty laundry. I don't care just how awesome and juicy a secret is, anything that is told to you in confidence- stays in confidence. When someone tells you a "secret", that does not somehow make that secret yours as well. Be thankful that your friend trusts you enough to vent to you and keep your darn mouth shut- seriously, I know it's hard.. but spilling the beans to even one person can sometimes snowball. You don't want that, obvs.

Also, to gain trust- you have to be able give your trust. No one trusts a closed book or someone that is obviously very secretive. If you are that way because you have been hurt in the past, please understand that so have EVERYONE else, but keeping your walls up in order to protect yourself is really no way to live. I'm not telling you to blab your business to anyone within earshot- but a little blabbing is healthy.

2) Friends do not speak out of jealousy. Jealousy is easily the ugliest emotion. It's also very easy to be jealous of your friends- you chose them as your friends because of all the things you liked about them, didn't you? Learn to admire those qualities, without becoming jealous. You grow so much more from admiration and imitation, than you do from jealousy.

Girls, that means that you will not tell your friends that an unflattering outfit looks good on your them, in an attempt to look better yourself. You will not sabotage their appearance or relationships in ANY way whatsoever. EVER. No diabolically undermining their romantic relationships out of jealousy. No ruining separate friendships out of jealousy.

If you feel jealous of a friend, sit down and pinpoint what exactly it is about them that you envy. And then figure out a way that you can emulate that specific quality in yourself. Even if that quality is someone as petty as their hairstyle.

No frenemy behavior. This is not Mean Girls.

3) Good friends are understanding. Understanding means that you look at someones behavior and try to see why they are acting that way. If your friend is being an uber-bitch- is she stressed about money? Did she get a speeding ticket that day? Is she having family problems?

Do any of these things justify bitchy behavior? Why yes, yes they do. It's really freaking hard not to take things out on the people closest to you. And your duty as a friend is to see that behavior for what it is- acting out- and understand that no one is perfect and to extend your kindness and understanding to a friend in need. This means that you have to allow yourself to be a punching bag sometimes. That is not "weak" behavior, that is strong, accepting and wise behavior. No one forgets the people that were there for them through hard times. It isn't always easy to be there for your friends- but fair weather friendship is fleeting as the human condition is flawed.

So the next time your friend is a bitch, don't automatically get mad and expect an apology. Understand their behavior and realize that it most likely had nothing to do with you- so drop it. Let others feel and act their emotions without always having to apologize for them. It just isn't healthy to have to sit on and deny feelings all of the time- so don't contribute to such an up-tight world.

4) Friends do not judge each other. I don't really care how outrageous, or slutty, or stupid someones behavior is- I can almost always find humor in it. Even if one of my friends had sex with a dude in a bathroom, ran around a bar topless, and then passed out outside on a bench like a bum- I would laugh. Actually I would tell them that they were ridiculous and then I would laugh.

Okay, if someone really has a problem- that obviously isn't funny and then you need to suggest (or force) help. But if someone does or tells you that they did something really stupid- they are looking for support. They already know that their behavior was unacceptable and they feel bad about it and are looking for you to make them feel better.

I'm not sure what people think they gain from judging others? Mostly, I just think judgmental people suck. You have absolutely no right to look down or pass judgment on any other person. If you are perfect, which you aren't, being judgmental would kick you right off your perfect pedestal. Judging someone is not helping them, it is just condescending, worthless behavior.

Instead of judging a friend, why don't you look at their behavior- look at the feelings behind that behavior and then lend your support and trust. Lend a laugh. Lend whatever the hell your friend needs, because they is what friendship is all about.

5) Be fair about your friend's romantic relationships. Honestly, the basis of most female friendships is about fun, companionship, and talking about guys. Romantic relationships are so important to girls- they are important to you- and they are important to your female friends... even if you sometimes don't want them to be.

So why is it the the second a friend finds themselves in a new relationship, the claws come out?

Girls, you are not going to lose your friend to a guy. If you do for a period of time (which is going to happen from time to time)- then don't fret, because they will be back. Please, please be understanding and mature about your girlfriends and romances.

I know that it is hard when a close friend gets a new boyfriend. You get to see her less, her priorities shift, you notice some changes in her. Naturally, you do not want this to happen. But that is selfish. Friendship is not selfish.

Unfortunately, almost everyones best friend is going to meet a guy, get married, have babies, and grow into the same- but different person. This is life. Most of us do not grow up and live with our girlfriends for the rest of our lives (which would be fun- but just usually doesn't happen).

Allow your friends to grow. Allow them to change. Understand and appreciate that this is just how life works.

So no matter how much you want to hate your friends boyfriends, or talk bad about them, or dwell on every little negative thing about them- don't. Instead, maybe try to get to know him? He probably is not the evil do-er that you have him out to be in your mind. And be kind about the amount of time that he is taking in her life- I hate to break this to you- but when you find yourself in a new relationship, you are going to be doing all the same things (no matter how much you say that you won't).

Remember the no-judgment thing? Implement that in this situation as well.

So those are my super, duper important 5 qualities of a good friend.




"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival."
- C. S. Lewis

Are you Expecting a Lonely Valentines Day? 4 Reasons Why You Should Consider Yourself Lucky

Are you expecting a lonely Valentines Day? I'm going to give you 4 reasons why you should actually thank your lucky stars that you do not have to submit yourself to the pink-and-red-someone-please-gag-me mumbo jumbo that is unfortunately going on around us.

1) Valentines day is the absolutely most ridiculous Hallmark holiday of the year. People, wake up! Valentines day is a marketers dream! The whole holiday was conceived solely to take money right out of consumer's pockets, while the Big Wigs laugh all the way to the bank. Did you know that around 188 million Valentines Day greeting cards are sold every year? Dear God, think about how much money that is in cards alone. I'm not even going to start on why greeting cards are the most pointless, stupid gifts ever (unless they are filled with money, of course).

But seriously, please do not buy into this holiday. If you are worried about looking like an asshole for refusing the partake in the madness, try to somehow coordinate an anniversary or something with the holiday. Knock out two birds with one stone.

2) Valentines day is nothing but stress. Say you just started dating someone.. are you supposed to get them a gift? What kind of gift says 'I care', but doesn't say 'I already take this relationship too seriously' or 'I like you way more than you like me'. I mean, you don't want to scare anyone off- but you don't want them to think that you don't like them either. S-T-R-E-S-S-F-U-L.

Even if you are in a long term relationship, you aren't immune to the stress. If you are a guy, you are probably wondering what the hell to get your lady. You probably know she is hoping for jewelry or something equally expensive, so I bet you are trying to think of ways to save your Piggy Bank, without landing in the dog house. And if you are a woman- its even worse... Seriously, are you even supposed to get your guy anything for Valentines day? What would even be appropriate, he surely doesn't want flowers or any of the pink and red paraphernalia that all the stores are hawking. Completely unnecessary stress brought on by the devil in a cupid costume.

3) Valentines day is one of the best days to head to the bar and get shitty. Are you going to be able to get sloshed and hook up with a rando if you have to attend some romantic dinner with a dude that is basically being forced to acknowledge this holiday? No, and that is just sad.

I think it's a good night to go out and I'm a chick. For guys- you are basically guaranteed your choice of lady. If she is out at the bar with her girlfriends on Valentines Day- then game on, brother. It's like picking up girls at weddings, but easier.

4)No one is happy on Valentines Day. Seriously, very few people walk away from this "holiday" unscathed. The single people are all checking themselves into therapy for plummeting self-esteem issues. And all of the twosomes are simultaneously failing to meet one another's expectations. If you got her flowers, she was probably hoping for a dinner out. No one is saying the 'right' things. Balls are being dropped. Chaos ensues.

Pass.

So if you choose to declare yourself above this cheesy Hallmark holiday, you can smoothly avoid all of the above issues. Thank God. Or you can be like me and see Valentines Day as the perfect excuse to party. As if I needed another excuse.


So pat yourself on the back and welcome a lonely Valentines Day. Hang out with your pals, maybe pop some bottles, and I promise it really won't be so lonely after all.

Tips Attracting Women: Please leave your evil twin Creepy McCreeperson, at home.

Even if you don't need tips attracting women, you should read this just in case this applies to you, even slightly.

First of all, why are some men so annoying? I realize that is a little on the mean side, but I can only take so much complete oblivious-ness before I can't take no more.

Newsflash: If you are not getting a positive response, or worse, a homicidal vibe from a chick- please leave her alone. Stop "hollering" and go run your game on the next piece that walks by. I just do not understand why some dudes, even when they are clearly getting politely dismissed- choose to keep pursuing a woman.

Guys, if you buy a woman a few drinks, and she seems to be looking around a bit- perhaps scanning the room for an escape route- then smoothly excuse yourself. If she likes you- then she will find you again. Do not continue to try to buy her drinks, or follow her around continuously trying to chat her up. This is weird and borderline sociopath behavior. And you surely should not text her 16 times the next day... between the 4 phone calls you placed.

If a woman does not respond to 2 text messages in a row, then she is not interested. Same goes for un-returned calls and invitations to hang out. Once you cross that two-text blow-off line, and continue to try to get her attention... Congratulations, you have just achieved creeper status. We women, yeah... we don't like our men creepy. And clearly, we don't like them desperate.

So please, we know that you think you are hot and that no girl wouldn't want you- but learn to take a hint. Most women are not going to be rude to you if they are not interested in you. They will probably not be rude to you even if they are not interested and you are shamelessly pursuing them to the point of annoyance. But behind your back, you can be sure they are telling their girlfriends about the weird guy they met Friday night- that seemed normal at first.. until he wouldn't leave her alone and has texted her 7 times since. Yes, that's catty- be we are women and we are generally passive aggressive.

So rule of thumb: if you text/call a chick twice and she does not answer or call you back- then deleter her number. She ain't interested. The more times you call that she doesn't answer, she will be even less interested. And creeped out a little. You don't want to be the creepy guy. It's even worse that the smelly guy- and WAY worse than the nice guy.

So that is my tip for attracting women (or at least not turning them off to the point where they are fantasizing about you getting run over by an 18-wheeler). Please take it to heart and contribute to a less creepy society. Thanks

Functional Relationships: Cheating

Cheating. A very obvious sign of a dysfunctional relationship. There are two kinds of cheating: Physical cheating and emotional cheating. For clarification purposes, I will give some examples.

Physical cheating- making embarrassingly bad choices while under the influence of two-inch thick beer goggles and "accidentally" ending up with your penis in a foreign vagina.

Emotional cheating- having a special 'friend' that you are emotionally involved with even if no physical barriers have been broken, this includes, but is not limited to, attractive work spouses, the chick you text more than your girlfriend, or any person that you pursue in a dating- yet non-booty call sort of manner, who conveniently knows nothing of your significant other.

I do not approve of cheating. I don't even approve of cheating if your partner is a a frigid bitch. You picked her- therefore you consciously took partial responsibility of her emotional well-being... which makes her- your problem. When you have a problem an effective solution is not to brush it under the rug and go chasing some hotter tail. That generally will only lead to your 'problem' getting very angry and turning into a tire slashing/clothes burning/reputation-ruining monster.

That being said, I understand cheating. I especially understand physical cheating. You know, there are a lot of fish in the sea. And a lot of those fish seem to be pretty appealing after a couple of drinks, so I understand where lines get blurry and things just 'happen'. This kind of mindless cheating- the kind that honestly means nothing... well, I think it sucks a whole lot less that getting cheated on emotionally.

Which is funny, because most people think just the opposite. But I would absolutely rather find out that my boyfriend cheated on me when he was blacked one night, than find out that he actually has feelings for another girl. I can always Facebook the slut and make fun of her with my friends when I feel sad. But what exactly are you supposed to do when your boyfriend actually has feelings for another chick? She hasn't really done anything wrong- these things unfortunately just happen. And its not really clear whether he has actually done anything 'wrong', so to speak.

Relationships are tough. They are usually entirely more complicated than what we are comfortable dealing with. But being on the receiving end of cheating has to be one of the most devastating situations one could find themselves in. Your trust is broken, your self-esteem is left suffering and it can make the most confident of us feel very desperate.

There is no 'One size fits all' answer for what you should do after you have been cheated on. And honestly, I think if you find yourself in this situation- the only action you should take.. is no action at all. Don't try to repair your relationship, don't try to reel your partner back in- just take a step back and don't react. (Or go crying to your girlfriends/ mother/ and anyone else unlucky enough to be in renting range). But if your partner comes to YOU and wants to work to repair the relationship or "make things up to you"- then if that's what you want, let them put in the work.

Everyone should be given a chance to fix their mistakes. But in a lot of cases, if someone cheats on you, especially emotionally- they will not care enough about you to actually put in the work to mend the relationship. So if your significant other comes to you with a sincere apology and a willingness to earn back your trust- that says a lot.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

Some smart guy said that.

Gandhi.. or something like that.

:)



Anyway, thanks for reading about cheating and how it all plays into functional relationships and attraction and all of that fun stuff.

Is he attracted to me?

If you've ever thought to yourself, 'Is he attracted to me?' Then listen up- I am going to be frank with you.

If you are wondering whether a guy 'likes' you or what you can do to make him 'like' you more. Well, the answers are no and nothing. Actually, the answers could be sort of and do his laundry/cooking/homework/pay his bills/and be the easiest booty call in his phone book. But 'sort of' is not good enough and that is what mothers and hookers are for.

Let me explain myself- if you are wondering whether a guy is romantically interested in you, you probably already instinctively know the answer- no. You just KNOW when someone is really attracted to you.. there is no question. You can just fell it- they reciprocate your giggly, giddy feeling and they make extra efforts to see and talk to you. If a man is really attracted to a woman, then he pursues her. If he is not actively pursuing you, then you probably already feel it in your gut that he is just not that into you and you are just looking for someone to give ya a little hope.

Which I won't.

Because it is just plain silly to pine away for a man- not matter how cute he is- that is not crazy about you. I mean really, do you want to look back when you are old and grey and tell your kids how hard you had to work to get daddy to like you? Or do you want to tell them about how cute he was falling all over himself trying to get to you? There is a man out there that will like you enough to act like that. And you ain't gonna find him waiting around for Bozo the undecided.

Now, for those of you trying to figure out how to get your man to like you more, I'll give you a few tips. Well, men love ultra feminine women- so be the prettiest version of yourself possible, act super cheerful, and giggle uncontrollably. Okay, maybe not uncontrollably- but enough to be cutesy. Or you can say fuck it- and not tolerate men that do not very obviously appreciate how wonderful you are. BECAUSE if he is not making you feel happy, loved, and attractive- then he is just plain wrong for you. A functional relationship is not one where you constantly try to prove your attractiveness to the other. That is a very sick relationship, and sick relationships tend to trickle their sickness into other aspects of your life.. Until you feel just- sick.

So stop questioning what he is thinking and what YOU can do to better yourself in his eyes- and start looking for what is right for you. And please never ask, 'Is he attracted to me".. ever, ever again.

Functional Relationships

Functional relationships... what every gal wants and too many find frustratingly impossible to achieve. Why is dating so complicated? So lets talk about what you need to have and avoid to maintain a functional relationship.

First off, you actually need to be attracted to your significant other. You may be thinking- Duh, thats obvious. But what about all of the Debbie desperates out there trying to convince themselves that their zero is a hero. In other news- I'm quitting blogging to become a poet.

Seriously though, its okay to let Debbie slip out every once in awhile- but don't let her run rampant. What I mean is, don't jump into a relationship with just any old Joe that comes along, even if you are not all that attracted to him. 'Giving it time' to let the attraction build is just another way for saying that you have to talk yourself into being attracted to your man just because you are afraid nothing else will come along for awhile. Not cool, Missy.

Second, you are going to need to learn how to trust. If you trust someone you will not act like a crazy bia. You will not hack into his facebook- no matter how tempting it may be. And you surely are not scrolling through his texts as soon as he jumps in the shower. Because.. do you know what you will find in there? Nothing good. Nada.

If he has no messages from the opposite sex you are going to be disappointed that your man isn't Mr. Mysterious and desired by ladies everywhere. And if there are texts from females- even if they are totally innocent like, "hey jackass let me borrow your homework" or "thanks for stealing my lunch out of the fridge in the break room, asshole"- you are going to freak. You are. Because the written word can pretty much be interpreted in any way that your crazy little brain wants to see it. And you are going to assume that by 'asshole'- the stupid bimbo he works with meant 'guy that looks really sexy fumbling with the fax machine'. And hey, it's not your fault.. all of us women are a little nuts. We are entitled to be, seeing as how we have to bleed from our loins and push hysterical little people out of our happy places.

The next unattractive behavior you are going to avoid to maintain a functional and healthy relationship is- you are not going to try to control your significant other. We only try to control others when we are over compensating for feeling very out of control ourselves. Trying to control a man only pushes him to do the exact opposite of what you are forcing upon him- therefore furthering the problem.

For example, if your boyfriend is talking to his ex- tell him that it makes you uncomfortable and upset, and that you would really prefer, for your sanity, that he discontinue this behavior. Do not flip out and immediately start screaming that he is never to speak to her again or that he must choose either you or her. And certainly do not initiate this little disagreement at two in the morning, armed with a little liquid courage. Try to be as reasonable as possible- even though at times, this requires almost super-human amounts of self control.

If you behave like the controlling ball and chain, I guarantee the second you are out of earshot, your boy is calling the female-in-question up to complain about what an unreasonable psychopath his girlfriend is. Is that 'right' or nice or fair? No sirree. But by behaving in that manner you just made her seem like the "cool", level-headed girl... and you just went down a few attraction points in his eyes. No one wants to be pushed around- especially not men. They are hard-wired to be the alpha and to be 'manly'.. so he doesn't want his lady friend to strip him of his manhood.

OK so lets review- no controlling or untrusting behaviors. And convincing yourself to feel that 'loving feeling' for a man is not a healthy behavior on the road to building a functional relationship. Keep these things in mind to get a little less crazy and a little more healthy from your relationships.

Dating Application

Has anyone else ever really wished that they could just had out Dating Applications? I think it would make the whole 'Dating Game' a lot simpler.

I'm one hundred percent serious.

These are questions I would ask:

-Do you have any illegitimate children? (This will not disqualify you as a potential mate- though, not knowing your children's name, ages, or when the child support payment is due- is grounds for immediate dismissal.)

-Do you have any Baby Mama Drama? Please Explain.

-Do you have any borderline insane ex-girlfriends that will continue to pop up and cause drama of catastrophic proportions throughout our relationship?

-Are you dragging invisible baggage behind you that is threatening to smother me at my most vulnerable.

-Do you know the difference between there, their, and they're?

-What about Who and Whom? No? That's cool.. neither do I.

-Does your phone automatically stop working as soon as you cross state lines? Does this also tend to happen anytime you are in close proximity to your male 'buddies'?

-Are you allergic to expressing any and all emotion? Is it cool if I have emotions?

-Are you of the special breed of drunk that believes that if you don't remember it, it didn't happen?

-Are you planning on ceasing all grooming efforts towards your appearance the second we are in a relationship? This includes, but is not limited to: gaining copious amounts of weight or body hair, infrequently showering, and refusing to wash garments until they start emitting noxious odors.

-Have you ever been fired for drinking on the job?

-Have you ever been in jail. If so, how many times and for what duration? This unfortunately, on my part, is also not necessarily grounds for disqualification.

-Do you consistently pick fights with bigger/large groups of men?

-Do you have to wake up before 9:00? If so, are you capable of being super-duper-freaking quiet so that I do not wake up and am forced to inflict bodily harm upon you?

-Do you think my friends are cute? Do you still think my friends are cute when they are in large groups and drinking? You are required to like them and be a gentlemen at all times or suffer the consequences. Is that okay?

-Same goes for my family. Hope you don't mind.

-My ears are actually very sensitive and I absolutely cannot listen to music that is not wholly enjoyable for me. Is that a problem?

This is why I am single. Furreal.

Dating: How Men and Women Differ When it Comes to Commitment

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. This is obviously an exaggeration- but how much of a stretch is it really?

When it comes to commitment, men and women are worlds apart. Totally different. Which is frustrating and oh-so freaking annoying- which is why I'll help clear it up for you.

When it comes to making a commitment in a relationship, what matters for women is WHO they are committing to. A woman can be working her way up the corporate ladder, moving cities, and dealing with family problems all at the same time- but if the right man comes into her life, she will be willing to make time for a committed relationship with him. That is just how women are. Which is awesome- we know how important love and relationships are to our well-being and happiness.

But for men- they have to be ready and at the right point in their lives to make a commitment to a relationship. They are all about WHEN. Even if a man meets Ms. Wonderful- the most beautiful, exciting woman he has ever met- if he is in a bad place in his career, having family or personal issues, you can bet your bottom dollar he won't be making any sort of big commitments to her. Which is awesome in it's own right too- because this generally ensures that a man will be in a good place personally before he really brings another person into his world.

It seems, though, that almost every woman has been in a relationship with a man she is just crazy about- and can not understand for the life of her, why he will not make the kind of commitment she is looking for... whether that be moving in together, marriage, or simply monogamy. Or worse, you get out of a relationship with Mr. Commitment-Phobe.. and then a year later, he gets engaged. WTF.

But it's all about timing baby- it ain't you. What you really need to figure out is if Mr. Right REALLY is the right one for you... and how long you are willing to wait to find out.

Thanks for reading, Good luck and Happy Dating! :)

Men Who Struggle with Attraction and Dating... Turn to Pick up Artists for Help?!?

Okay.

Okay, I'm at a loss here.

I don't even know what to say, and believe me, this does not happen often. Some men just are not good with women, aren't smoooooth operators and just don't understand attraction and the dating game. We all know this- even know many men who fall into these categories.

But what the bloody hell is this underground 'Pick-up Artist' community?! I mean, I've seen the show.. but I did not realize that there was some kind of cult following. I would never have thought that people actually emulated this guy- he looks like a slimy, borderline creepster, chronic masturbator for God sakes! If he approached me in a bar, I would be looking around for help, while hoping that this dude isn't planning on kidnapping me and wearing my skin.

Anyway enough with making fun of that lovely individual- he does help men build confidence, and for that I must give him props. But this PUA community really gives me the creeps. I stumbled upon a message board online and after reading through a bit of it, I immediately starting racking my brain questioning every male interaction I have ever had. Were they just trying to 'pick me up'? Were they doing some little act that they learned from a blinged-out, man in makeup?

Seriously, these guys not only have their own little language going, but they basically have 'picking up' women down to a step-by-step science. What happened to just meeting someone and letting the attraction unfold organically? Is it even real if it was all contrived by a man diabolically messing with our minds in some plot to make us fall for him?

I'm really bothered by the fact that there are so many guys that are so obsessed with validating themselves by testing whether they can manipulate a woman into falling in love with him. And it IS manipulation. Lines and acts may increase the attraction a woman may feel in the very beginning- but she is going to be very disappointed when she realizes that she fell for an act. Because you can't keep up an act forever. And why would you even want to?

We all deserve relationships where we are loved and valued for who we are. Not some act. Not what you can buy someone. While it is great to build your confidence and charisma- it's just odd to want to try to build a relationship on some method that a so-called Pick up Artist taught you.

Boys, boys, boys.. when will you ever learn.

Well that's all for my dating rant for the day, Google 'pick up artists', for an amusing and enlightening time-killer.

Dating- It's the First Date.. Who should pay?

Well, you've got a first date tonight- you're anxious, nervous, and excited.. but you're wondering- Who should foot the bill?

Who doesn't wonder this on first dates? Women are more independent than ever and men get nervous that they may offend their feminist crush by trying to pick up the tab. Because we are all equal, right? Wrong. Well, actually we are, just not when it comes to paying for first dates.

Dudes, I'm sorry- it probably sucks, but you should pay if you want to go out with her again. Even if you are not exactly made of money at the moment. Yes, you should probably pay even if she asked you out.

And here's why: Because she is going to feel negatively if you don't, she may feel so negatively that she won't be attracted to you enough to want to go out with you again. Yes, it's traditional that a man should pay for the first date (and some people scoff at tradition), but it's a tradition that all women grew up hearing and are now accustomed to. So if a man doesn't pay on the first date the women is automatically going to assume the he either is not all that attracted to her, he is cheap, and that if she were to get into a relationship with him, he may be detrimental to her bank account because she may have to end up supporting his ass. Are any of these things necessarily true or fair or "right"... No. But those are going to be the gut feelings within a women that just shelled out on the first stepping stone to building a relationship.

Now for the tricky part- the woman is probably going to offer to pay or split the bill. This is her being a courteous, independent, wonderful woman- it doesn't mean she really wants to pay for or split the bill. So tell her no, you would be delighted to treat her, even if you are really thinking that you would appreciate her picking up the tab so you can buy the new Call of Duty game. If she is absolutely adamant about paying, well hell, let her- then go buy your video game sir.

Okay ladies, this is for you. Please do not run off to the bathroom when you see the waiter approaching the table, bill in hand, out of the corner of your eye. You are not fooling anyone. The fellow sitting across from you knows that the urge to pee has not just hit you so violently that you need to sprint to the Ladies Room. I realize that you don't want to pay and that this part of a date is a bit awkward. But imagine how awkward it would be if when you got back from powdering your nose- the bill was still there, waiting for you. I mean, what do you say then? Like, "So, did you want to split the bill or something, or what exactly is THAT THING still doing here?"- is not exactly lady-like.

I agree, you shouldn't pay. I almost think its rude if a man asks you out and then DOESN'T pay. ..Mixed signals much? But if he doesn't confidently and smoothly swoop the up the bill as it comes, then at least offer. If he lets you and you harbor negative feelings about it- then follow your gut, and don't go out with him again. Even if you are a feminist or very independent- I think you should let him pay for the first date. If not for anything else, just to show that he is a reliable and strong man, capable of being a rock when you need one. And we ALL need one sometimes.. even the very toughest of us.

If you feel uncomfortable because he spent a lot of money on you. Well ask yourself, did he pick the restaurant? If it was expensive, then he probably chose it to impress you. Go ahead and feel spoiled.. nice isn't it? If you still feel uncomfortable about it, then offer to pay for an after-dinner cocktail or coffee. He may take you up on it, he may not. Paying for something like that, I think is fair. It will show him you like him and that you aren't just along for a free ride. Keep in mind, some men will not let you pay for anything for first few times you go out- enjoy it. Just don't start taking that for granted.. after the first couple of dates, you gals should be contributing something.

Now, get out there and enjoy yourself. There is much attraction and many first dates to be had!

Dating Dillemmas: What Kills Attraction

Dating is complicated.. Duh, but there are some things that kill attraction faster than you can say "Don't leave me..." Just kidding, Don't ever say that. Since I so kindly picked on men and their irresistible self-advertising skills last time, I will now to shed some light on the equally charming things that women do to squeeze the attraction right out of a relationship.

Let me start by saying that attraction is a funny thing- it's really the key to a blissful romantic relationship, without it- ya just got yourself a buddy (or worst case scenario- a frenemy). You can't fake it, and you can't truly control it- but you certainly can kill it. And we women are terrific at doing so and then wondering (i.e complaining to everyone within earshot) how it occurred. The main three things that we do to drive our boyfriends or husbands to crazy-town are smothering them, complaining, and just being a bitch. Sorry- tough love.

Let's start with smothering. I'm not talking about the girl that meets a guy then follows him bar to bar calling his cell phone to check up on him, all the while making sure their love fern hasn't died. These special gals give the rest of us a bad name- if this is you, I can't help you, you need help beyond my expertise. What I am referring to are the girls that chase after the man they want. Traditionally, the man courted the woman- won her, if you will. It was done this way because men love the thrill of the chase, and for the most part women love to be chased. In most successful relationships the man not only chases after the women in the beginning, but also throughout the whole relationship. Really ladies, how many women do you know who called their husbands first or asked him out? None? Oh surprising.. not.

While it's fine to drop hints that you're into him, don't ask him out. Don't call him first- actually don't call him much at all, let him call you. Don't play hard to get-just don't pursue him. And even when you are in a monogamous relationship, still let him primarily do most of the pursuing. That means don't text him every three minutes when he's out with the guys- give him space. And as much space as he wants- you're a busy girl, I'm sure you don't NEED a man to fill your schedule. If you aren't spending as much time together as you would like, don't try to guilt or force him to spend more time with you. Accept that he spends his time as he pleases- if it is not pleasing to you- then leave. There will be a man that is on the same page as you- of course missy, you're fabulous. Keep in mind, that if you guilted your man into spending more time with you, he will see that as smothering, desperate, and unattractive. And you are anything but desperate- as if, right?



Now let's set the complainers straight. If you are just so frustrated you have to vent before you set out on a homocidal rampage, then call your mom, complain to your girlfriends, write an angry letter, do anything except complain to your man. Do you remember how Charlie Brown's parents sounded when they spoke- to your boyfriend, you sound just like that. Expect high pitched.. it hurts his head, so just stop. Women love to complain- about almost everything. We don't even mean it in a bad way, it's just a way we communicate- but it's like a language that only other women understand, so leave the poor dude out.

Ladies, ESPECIALLY do not complain about your man- to your man. This is not effective. This turns you from a sexy siren he can't wait to hop into bed with into the wicked witch of the west, warts and all. If your boyfriend drops the ball on your birthday; loudly complaining about every little thing he does thereafter until he finally figures out the issue and makes it up to you, is not efficient communicating. Yet we do it all the time. If your boyfriend does something to anger/dissapoint you, then tell him point blank what he did and how it made you feel. Then cool off and let him process that information in his own way. If you really NEED an apology or for him to make it up to you and he does not deliver on his own, then you need to reconsider the relationship.. not nag until you drive him insane. So stop complaining that he made a mess, his shirt is wrinkly, you don't like his driving/mother/taste in music. Unless you are teasing him in a cute way.. then it just isn't cute or attractive. To anyone really.


Finally, being a bitch... why we girls need to put away our claws. Think about the kind of man you are attracted to: kind, sweet, generous. Now think about how you appear when you gossip about a friend, or yell at a waiter, or turn on the road rage. Kind, sweet, and generous are not exactly coming to mind are they?

In the early stages of a relationship, we are all on our best behavior. And then we ease into the comfort zone, and all of a sudden a man has a raging bi-otch on his hands. And of course he feels duped- how did that sweet angel turn into a diva from the Jersey Shore? It's not sexy to witness your sigificant other behave any way other than the kind person that you know they are deep down. Yes, everyone has their moments- that's why they are called 'moments'.. because they should be few and far between. No one wants to date a bitch, talk about a mojo annhiliator.

So what did we learn? Don't be such a bia, stop the complaining, and no love ferns. Oh, I meant smothering. So let's stop sucking the attraction from our dates, shall we?

Online Dating: Mistakes Men make in their Profiles Constantly

Internet Dating.. you know what kills attraction instantly, even through a computer screen? A really creepy profile. Or even a little creepy.

Men, if you even seem a little 'off' online, women are NOT going to meet you. We are all scared of being the next news story. What's sad though, is that a woman will see a certain profile or add and write the man off in a second, but a man will see the same profile- and think he sounds cool. Men are from Mars...

..Anyway, I have compiled a list of things we women reeeallly wish that men would stop posting (unless you really are a creep, which in that case keep doing so we can differentiate):

1) Your picture: While we get that you think hunting is fun, and you are super proud of that big buck you bagged- it really does not need to make it into your profile picture. Actually that's just a turn off and for some, a deal-breaker, so knock it off. In addition, if you are on a DATING site looking for DATING, we don't need to see most of your body parts. That includes, but is not limited to: faceless pictures of abs, tattoos, and PLEASE no penis pics. Really. It's just scary.

2) Grammar: No Chatspeak. While I may be impressed that you know how to make a heart using symbols, I would like to also know that you can spell out three letter words. Generally we women would like to think of the man we are dating as intelligent. Intelligence is very attractive. Typing lik dys, cuz ur jus cool like dat.. not so much.

3) Expectations: I know you want to find the woman of your dreams, I totally understand that. As it so happens, I'm looking for my Prince Charming. But if you are an overweight, unemployed, 55 year old- it really isn't fair to be seeking a svelte, 23 year old finishing her second masters. Also, how you listed out 43 things you want in a woman, including a love of cleaning, blowjobs, long hikes, and culinary mastery.. well, thanks for being so descriptive! But don't be surprised when you get, um, no results. Get real, mister.

4) Expecting Women to Have no Expectations: Saying things like "I'm looking for a hot chick to keep me warm on this chilly Saturday night, no strings attached", just makes me sad. I thought dating sites were instituted to help find a special someone, not a booty call. Isn't that what bars are for? And, anyway, I hate to break it to ya, Mr. Bigshot, while there are some daring lonely ladies out there, this just isn't going to get overwhelming responses from the type of women you are looking for.

If you are really shooting for successfully finding online love, please write a respectful, funny profile. Tell a little about yourself, be genuine. Be funny- women LOVE funny. Post a recent picture of your face, and don't be too pushy. You actually have to make intellectual connection since you can't just base the connection off physical chemistry. Hmm, online dating, what DID our grandparents do without the internet?!

Hopefully this clears up what women find attractive in the online dating world.

How has Dating Gotten so Complicated?

Welcome to my blog about attraction and managing dating in a time where the internet rules. And we decieving cuties can hide behind pictures depicting the 5 years younger, 30 pounds lighter version of ourselves. Or.. worse.. get duped.

Love. love. love.

All we need is love.. or so they say. Right now, I'd be happy with a date that doesn't show up trailing a mile of baggage.