Dating Application

Has anyone else ever really wished that they could just had out Dating Applications? I think it would make the whole 'Dating Game' a lot simpler.

I'm one hundred percent serious.

These are questions I would ask:

-Do you have any illegitimate children? (This will not disqualify you as a potential mate- though, not knowing your children's name, ages, or when the child support payment is due- is grounds for immediate dismissal.)

-Do you have any Baby Mama Drama? Please Explain.

-Do you have any borderline insane ex-girlfriends that will continue to pop up and cause drama of catastrophic proportions throughout our relationship?

-Are you dragging invisible baggage behind you that is threatening to smother me at my most vulnerable.

-Do you know the difference between there, their, and they're?

-What about Who and Whom? No? That's cool.. neither do I.

-Does your phone automatically stop working as soon as you cross state lines? Does this also tend to happen anytime you are in close proximity to your male 'buddies'?

-Are you allergic to expressing any and all emotion? Is it cool if I have emotions?

-Are you of the special breed of drunk that believes that if you don't remember it, it didn't happen?

-Are you planning on ceasing all grooming efforts towards your appearance the second we are in a relationship? This includes, but is not limited to: gaining copious amounts of weight or body hair, infrequently showering, and refusing to wash garments until they start emitting noxious odors.

-Have you ever been fired for drinking on the job?

-Have you ever been in jail. If so, how many times and for what duration? This unfortunately, on my part, is also not necessarily grounds for disqualification.

-Do you consistently pick fights with bigger/large groups of men?

-Do you have to wake up before 9:00? If so, are you capable of being super-duper-freaking quiet so that I do not wake up and am forced to inflict bodily harm upon you?

-Do you think my friends are cute? Do you still think my friends are cute when they are in large groups and drinking? You are required to like them and be a gentlemen at all times or suffer the consequences. Is that okay?

-Same goes for my family. Hope you don't mind.

-My ears are actually very sensitive and I absolutely cannot listen to music that is not wholly enjoyable for me. Is that a problem?

This is why I am single. Furreal.